Loads of Laughs

Today's Lesson

We learn something every day...in case you missed this lesson, here it is again.



http://www.davidburt.co.uk/documents/thehorseandpigstory.pps

Oh gosh, and the pig was just trying to be kind and helpful!

How about this then Oceanna.....

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...
"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Incredible!"

Being the "Kind Hearted" Scotsman that I am, I thought,

"What the heck, I'll treat her!"

... So we walked past it again...

Being of Scottish descent myself I have heard that Scots are frugal.

Ah ken Dugal is frugal he wouldna gee is a blaw on his bugle.....

TAXI!

There is an Arab in a taxi……….


He asks the driver to turn off the radio and explains that he must not hear music as decreed by his religion for in the time of the prophet, there was no music ... no radio…….

So the driver turns off the radio, stops the car , leans over and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him : "What are you doing?"

The driver replied : "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out my car and wait for a b****y camel ."

This is a story about Flight engineers and Pilots...... come.....fly with me.....

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.



P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.


P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Then there was Grandpa's tale.....


A tough old cowboy from Missoula, Montana, counseled his grandson that if he wanted
to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal
every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.
When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great
grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium
used to be !!

NEWS FLASH!

The Government has announced they intend to make
It more difficult to claim Welfare.



Starting next Monday the forms will be printed in
English only.

Oi know, Oi know! Tis well past St Patrick's day....... but oi wuz having such a great toime oi misplaced moy legs.... oi did try tuh stand a few toimes, but oi ended up like a horizontal floor tile inspector...... close to the product you understand....
.....any way here are a few tales from my recent soiree...........

Paddy Stories
Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bag six.
As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot
says, "The plane can only take four of those."
The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us
put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.
However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and
down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any
idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we
crashed last year," says Mick.


======================
Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two"!


=====================
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


==================

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to
drill for their own oil.


=================
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this
year I'm going to do
it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me.

SLANGE!

Paddy meets Mick walking down the street with his dog on a leash and looking sad.

Paddy says "Where are going with your dog"

Mick say's :" I got to put him down"

Paddy says "Why ? Has he gone Mad"

Mick say's ." Well he sure ain't Happy"
"

........ as a last resort Paddy pleaded with the vet......"Please surh, your honour, can you save my dog?"
The vet looked at Paddy, shook his head and said, "I have to put him down!"
With tears pouring down from his bloodshot eyes Paddy mournfully enquired, "Why surh, why?"
The vet said, "I can't hold him any longer, he's too heavy!"

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey

"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."
--Anonymous

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
-- Dave Barry

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard."
--Dave Barry

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
-- Josh Billings

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
-- Dr. Tom Cat

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
-- Nora Ephron

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made"
--M. Facklam

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."
--Sigmund Freud

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-- Gene Hill

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-- Holbrook Jackson

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
--Franklin P. Jones

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
-- Christopher Morley

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."
--Penny Ward Moser

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
--Will Rogers

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
--Andrew A. Rooney

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money."
--Joe Weinstein

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams

"Cat's motto No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-- Unknown

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
--Unknown

"In dog years, I'm dead."
-- Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
-- Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-- Unknown

One of us is barking mad...........

That's Me.


I barked my shin in the garage today when I stumbled over my M/C l trying to reach for a rake.

Bled a little. Put a Band Aid on it.

Getting pretty clumsy in my old age . Often act before getting my brain in gear.

"Getting pretty clumsy in my old age . Often act before getting my brain in gear.".....Wuzfuz wrote...


Don't we all !!!!


(loved your quotes as well Wuzfuz)

One Sunday morning,

a priestdecided to
do something a little different.
He said
'Today, in church, I am going
to say a single word
and you are going to
help me preach.
Whatever single word I say,
I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind --
the pastor shouted out
'CROSS.'


Immediately
the congregation started singing in unison,
'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began
to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.'
The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX'
The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other
afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden,
way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother
stood up and began to sing
'MEMORIES.'

This is a story with pictures.......... well video....

This IS what happens when we are forced to work after age 70.

https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=19THRdXxmaI

This is what happens when you go on holiday and are looking for something different to do........ at the age of 70+

Did ah ever tell yuh about mah visit tuh Canada.... here let this lady tell y'all she has a way with words.....


Let's call it the new Pastime for Seniors......

https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=L1_W0LCHwK4

It made me smile....

Let me tell you a story.....

Up to you whether you believe it or not!


Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Then read this.
Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess.
This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, (AAFS)
President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Now as you proceed lets see how many times you change your mind about the guilty party....

Here is the story:


On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a 10-story building intending to
commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun
blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had
been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building
workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his

suicide the way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife.
They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun!
The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt,

one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both

adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded..

The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with
the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is,
assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's

son loading the shotgun about 6 weeks prior to the fatal accident.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support
and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun
threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder

even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now for the exquisite twist...

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the 10 story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast

passing through the ninth story window.

The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.
So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.



There now what do you think o' that?

He got what he deserved?!

I had a few

Thanks Daffyd.

Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,
The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without a trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--
Well, he always used to hold his breath, until he heard the splash!!




Grandad!

Punny or what?


Ah bet number ten rings a bell......

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo:
The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...
And pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
(NOW IS THAT GREAT, OR WHAT?)

17. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt ,
and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

19. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail.
The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends,
with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did? Sorry....

Here began the lesson...... the story of the Devil's instrument.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=D2_c81Nnsc0

17. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt ,
and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

LOL!! daffyd!