Loads of Laughs

A lawyer defending a man in New York accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to 5 year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb,
Laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Moral of this story:
Don't mess with Lawyers....manipulation is their game

Let me tell you an Irish story.... well one or two stories.....

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I couldn't afford to feed it."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
The driver won £52!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor." (pause...??? Think about it)

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Well.....just a few observations I've made whilst eavesdropping......

I tried to catch some fog the other morning...... I mist. My neighbour is addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time. He's Jewish you know, I asked him how he makes his tea. He said, Hebrews it!
The sun comes up, the sun goes down, I was puzzled so I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I usually spend a bit of my time in the local library. I'm currently reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I also like to go to the theatre, recently I was thrilled by a performance about puns. It was a play on words.
The Blood Transfusion Centre were calling for volunteers. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
This guy told me he was dyslexic and I watched him walk straight into a bra.

We all like a laugh, but PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
I couldn't get a table at my local restaurant, but a party of Indians were ushered right in. Fuming, I asked why and was told
they had reservations. I asked what was the dish of the day. I was told venison.....oh deer!
Speaking of food, what does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds....goes back four seconds...er...never mind! I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger..... then it hit me! ( a bit like that last observation)
There was a scuffle on the sidewalk and the police arrested the Energizer bunny.....charged it with battery!
One of the arresting officers had a beard, he said he didn't like it at first, but then it grew on him!
I used to be a banker....but gave it up....I lost interest! Now of course I'm too old as well as having a spot of bladder infection, when that happens urine trouble!

I know I can go on a bit I'm just a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary.....a thesaurus? I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure. I got a part time job in a bakery because I kneaded dough, but the wages were like Velcro.... what a rip off! Telling stories on here is akin to broken pencils......pointless!

Your always good at coming up with something to make us laugh DaffyD.

Once upon a time there was this Chinese entrepreneur....... who sold.....

Black bras, size 38

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."

Cat Lover or Not, this is funny !



We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.
No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

Was it a step too far........?

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ''You had a
good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater
seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills
first now.''

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told
me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people
back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n
roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the
balcony.''

''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. ''I am pleased that
you are open to the new ideas of youth.''
''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly
priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru
confessional.'
'
''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions and the
donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''
''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. But the
flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the
church roof!"

Well now as you know we are approaching St. Patrick's Day and it is a time for telling stories......

Did yer hear about Paddy O'Rouke? Well he took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road show and an expert there looked them over. He concluded that there were of a very rare breed, the breed itself having died out in 1765. The expert was expected to give a valuation of this rare breed, so he turned to Paddy and said, 'If these dogs were alive today what would you expect them to fetch?
'



Yer man said. 'STICKS'

Unfair Dismissal......?

Let me tell you a story ..............about an unfair dismissal....

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...


Wot do you fink?

Do you have a fear of flying? Not that you fear you might sprout wings,
flying by commercial flights? Whilst pondering, I pondered thus....... that.....

Passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for the
>flight to leave.
>
>They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures
>them that the pilots will be there soon,and the flight can take off.
>
>The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms
>walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a
>seeing-eye
>dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
>Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter
>the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
>
>The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for
>some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is
>forthcoming.
>The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at
>The windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the
>edge of the airport territory.
>
>As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water,
>panicked screams fill the cabin.
>
>At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
>relax
>and laugh a little sheepishly,and soon all retreat into their magazines,
>secure in the knowledge
>that the plane is in good hands.
>
>In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know,
>Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all
>gonna
>die."

Well,...... fear produces irrational thoughts.......

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.


'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Catholic church back down the road,' replied the little girl.

'What about you?


''I go to the Lutheran church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.


They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.'

My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.

'I'll tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl.

'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,' replied the little boy. '

I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'


So they both undressed and waded across to the otherside without getting their clothes wet.


They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a CATHOLIC and a LUTHERAN!

........a teacher talking to her class.....

Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...
Teacher : Wow !! What a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...
Give that boy straight 'A' s

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has
happened.

Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of
heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the
Redneck from Louisiana , 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

Three aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:

Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

Interviewers set out on their particular task with a set agenda. It is never thought through and this is the consequence......

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER
AND A MALE BEER DRINKER:


Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?


Man: Yes.


Lady Interviewer: How much a day?


Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.


Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?


Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.


Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?


Man: 15 years.


Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?


Man: Correct.


Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?


Man: Correct.


Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?


Man: Do you drink?


Lady Interviewer: No.


Man: So where's your Ferrari?



WELL? Where is it?

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the
big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick
to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising
his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg
on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick
off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work
on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and
severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it
and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some DOPEY RETARD put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".

Look before you...... beat!

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

For example...
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband sitting quietly reading a magazine. "Hi Darling , " he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”


What was she doing out so late at night?

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."

The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.

"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW,
Diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates."



To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

That is a good one! She left a mark from her life. 

Caught....Hook,line and s(t)inker.....

Never Lie To A Woman
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes, lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to?"

You'll love the answer...
.
.
.
.

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ...."
Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a
Colonoscopy
I went into his office for my first rectal exam.
His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer
.
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said,
"Look Doc", I'm a little confused
This is my first exam.
I know what the
K-Y
Is for,
And I know what the
Glove is for,
But can you tell me what the
BEER is for?"
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse, "Damn it, Evelyn      !!!
I said a
BUTT LIGHT!"

Biker with a heart of gold.


On June 29th, a group of Orlando, Florida, bikers were riding south on
I-275 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Skyway Bridge.
So they stopped.
George Dawson, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide.
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether (s)he jumped or was pushed...


Eish!!!

I was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked
where I was going at that time of night.

I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of
night?"

I replied, "That would be my wife