Loads of Laughs

Coming off the Beach the Wife said "Hang on a minute somehow I have managed to get a stone in my shoe".
Paddy waited for her thinking to himself. How is she going to get the other 15 stone in the other one?."


Paddy said to Murphy
"The Petrol strike won’t bother me one bit cos my cars a diesel"


Paddy was stopped at the Airport and asked why his passport had a picture of a bottle of shampoo on it.
Paddy replied "On the form it said "Photo must just be head and shoulders"

American tourist asks Irish fisherman why do the Scuba divers all ways leave the boat backwards into the water.
"Well because if they went forward they would still be in the boat" Paddy replies.

Paddy met his girl friend and took her to the Cinema, it was a double bill "Titanic and The Poseidon Adventure"
Mary said I have seen both of these but I don’t mind seeing them again.
Paddy said O.K. but promise me you won’t tell me what they are about or the endings.


My Irish pal said
"I am going out on the Pull tonight" he has a Rickshaw business.

Paddy phoned the Hospital and asked the girl how his Missus was doing after the "Tummy Tuck" Operation and what room she was in ?. The girl answered, "She has not had the operation yet so is still in Rooms 3. 4. and 5.


First day on the Job as a Police man the Sgt. sent Paddy to a Robbery. "Now den Madam what seems to be the trouble?" she was holding an empty wallet and said to Paddy "I’ve lost fifty pounds" so Paddy said, " Bejazus how fat were you before then?"

This is how it should be done.....

Boy!!! This is so good. A watch for ALL men.


VERY GOOD!!!

Gentlemen - this is a short documentary "he, he, he" on how it should be done

https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=sbF-4LOOC5c

Frozen Windows

My wife sent me a text at work:



“Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

Ah replied - "Spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

Another text from my wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now computer won't work at all"!

Was this you?

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blond.
The puzzled blond kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blond continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking
deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked . . .
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."


They'll soon get £100 millions worth the price of petrol today! Will it be enough?

Bored? Of course you are. Why else would you be spending time here? Be careful how you combat your boredom. Check this out!

Push The Button if you’re bored or curious and would like a little more drama and excitement in your life.
That’s exactly what happened when the high quality TV channel TNT in Belgium placed a big red push button on an average Flemish square of an average Flemish town with a sign saying “Push to add drama”. And an epic ad was created.
http://biggeekdad.com/2012/04/push-the-button/

Hilarious daffyd! I'm adding the home link to my Favorites.

All good ones. I needed a laugh today.

Baptizing An Irishman

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

(get ready for this.....)

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
*
*
*
*
*
*
*



"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

The Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on
who is the greatest of the three of them.


The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every
day and that's why I am the greatest!"


The ant said, "I work day and night, summer
and winter, I can carry 52 times my own
weight and that's why I am the greatest!"





















Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn

to say something...

bbbbbbbbbblah-bbblah-blah!

So that's your excuse, EH? How many time have I heard that?

I give up DaffYD!! You're the best! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!

Aaaah! You noticed!

GOTCHA!

One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study
For a test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt.
They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding
Last night and on their return, a tyre burst on their car and they had to
Push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to
Do the test.
The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day, they went for their test.
The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were
Required to sit in separate classrooms.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days...



The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks........







Q. 1. Which tyre?

a) Front Left b) Front Right
c) Back Left d) Back Right

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonder ful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Bless you! Who did your hair?"

Thanks for the chuckle Daffy.

The hairdresser sounds like my sis-in-law.
To myself I call her the Twisted Sister.

Talkin of hair, this is why ah quit shaving!

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut,
but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him
to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

Och mon, who's up for a few fun and games, they're in the dialect yi ken!

A wee toatie wummin, went tae the Doc's, an says, Ah'm a' scadded up at the tap ae ma legs, an ri Doc' took a look, an' wrote oot a prescription, an' she says, Wul' ah' jist take it doon tae ri' Chemist's ?? an' he says Naw, take it tae ri' cobbler, an huv um take three inches aff yur wellies.!!!


An undertaker, went tae an irish hoose tae dae his joab oan a bloke, that passed away. He came oot ae ri' room an' intae ri' kitchen, an there wis a few peepul 'ere. He says, Ah' furgote tae bring ri' trestles, fur the boady, Kin ye gie me three chairs fur the corpse?? An a' ri peepul stood up an says, Hip, Hip, Hooray!!


Annura Irishman decided tae go oan a safari, an jined up wi a crew that wis gaun. The big game hunter, explained a' aboot it, an' telt thum that they hud tae be careful' lookin fur big game. Anywey, the Irish joker, wis gaun thro' ri trees, an he came acroass a stoatin blonde, sittin' oan a rock, an' he says tae hur, Hey, ur you gemme??? an she says, Aye,an he shot hur!!


Three cockeyed men, were up in front ae a cockeyed Judge, an' ri judge says tae ri furs wan, Whuts yur name?? an' ri second wan says, John Smith!! an' ri judge says, Ah wisnae talkin' tae you!! an the third wan says, Ah' never even opened ma mooth!!

Retirement Home? Not for me!



No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn! With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble. I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.

For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's £59.23 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.

That leaves £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.

Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.

Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
£5 worth of tips a day and you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.



For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.



And you're not stuck in one place forever -you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Scotland? They have Holiday Inn there too.


TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.



The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance. . .or the undertaker.


If you fall and break a hip, NHS will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

The grand-kids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.

Having a giraffe (laugh)

The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid but when I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . ”Bugger that!" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband, “You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.”

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

FANTASTIC!

These exercises are only for people who fall gently.


Husband and wife team... Why don't you try this at home.....just for a laugh?


They do this so effortlessly, that is the
beauty of this routine, which makes it
funnier. And she in a dress and heels.

http://biggeekdad.com/2012/05/the-jovers/

Trip to the Pub.
It was a fine warm day so I thought I'd have a walk out, get some fresh air, meet some of the lads and have a bit of a chat......................well you do don't you? Get out of the way of 'her indoors' she was having one of her clearing out sessions.......

I was talking to my old mate Ben Doon the other day and he was telling me that he had heard from Ophelia Bottom that a man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life. Ben was after borrowing a couple of quid, so I gently reminded him that before borrowing money from a friend, first decide which you need most. He thought a while and said, "Well are you going to lend it to me or not!"

Ivor Hernia came by and I said to Ben "Go and ask him!" Ivor upon hearing Ben's request said, " Ben me ole darling " he always talked like that, "Ben" he said, "The most comfortable place to live is just inside your income." Perplexed Ben just stood there with his mouth open and his hand out. Eli Doon, Ben's brother, saw him standing there and took him home.
I ambled on and called in to the pub, 'The Gay Wrights' it was run by Phyliss Apint, a genial landlady, had a hip replacement recently. She glanced up and reached over to the pump and drew me off a frothy pint.

"The usual?" she enquired. "No." I said, "I just have a packet of pork scrathings." She looked at me, looked at the pint and then sank it in one huge swallow. "One swallow does not a summer make." I ventured. "Shut it" she said. I thought I had better try a new tack, conversation wise...

"Er, I heard that they are asking the gnomes of Zurich to run the National Health." Ivan Itch was standing at the bar, staring at my pork scratchings, I said "Keep your eyes off my scratchings, you need to get into shape my lad." He tore his gaze away as I upended the packet and the last of the scratchings into my mouth. " I am in shape," he said, "round is a shape."
"Ivan" I said "the only way you will lose weight.... is to keep your mouth shut." Phyliss came over, "Are you having a drink, or what?" I said, "Everyone should believe in something. I believe I'll have that drink."

You see my only consistency is my inconsistency. Horace Cope piped up, "Just the one then is it?" " I'll stay for another if you are buying Horace," I said. Reggie Ment used to drill it into me, "Drink sensibly.... be around for the next round."

Well I was, and I was and I was...... until I found I was in a heated discussion with Stan Bye and Mark Mywords. I remember saying, "I don't have an attitude problem, perhaps you have a perception problem...... " That's when it sort of went black and then there was a series of exploding lights and then nothingness........
Flo Swiftly was the ward nurse and she told me..............
Ah, but that's another story.

As I have often been told...... it is no good getting the needle if you have lost the thread. Repartee being my forte I came back with the reposte, "Paranoia is a hard act to follow !" I don't know about you guys but I find having an arguement with my wife is like trying to have the last word with an echo. I said that to a mate of mine and the smart **** said, "I don't know about that Daffyd see, I've never argued with your wife."

"Listen here boyho" I said "You could improve your development if you took yourself off and sat in a dark room."
My mate he's an alcoholic musician.............. he can't get past the first bar. He said to me once, "If you ever get driven to drink mate, make sure you get a lift home." Nice of him wasn't it? Nice ! I like a drink but I am not to happy with the moaning after the night before. I'm not going to fast for you am I boyho? Type a little slower shall I ? There, how's that?

I never told you this before have I? I was called to the bar when I was eighteen............. and I've never left it. Humour I find is boundless and all people see things from a different angle, but only when they are so inclined. In this compensation culture which besets us I figure that the ultimate claim for compensation must be, being conceived without your consent.

Did I tell you about the blonde student who went to take her exams, a series of yes/no questions. No? Well, she took her seat in the examination hall and when told to start she sat and studied her paper for about five minutes. Then in a fit of desperation she took out her purse and rummaged about for a coin. This he flipped up in the air and when she caught it she marked off one of her questions. Heads for yes, tails for no. Within half an hour she had completed the test and the rest of the class were still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes she was seen furiously tossing the coin and ticking off the answers, muttering and sweating. The moderator was quite puzzled. He walked up to her desk and asked what was going on.
She looked up at him and said, "Well I finished the exam over half an hour a go, now I'm checking my answers."