Gerraway!

It's a a thing ah dinna care tuh speak aboot, fae we are doomed, we are aaarl doooommed!

A young American tourist visits a creepy old caslte in Scotland. She sees a Laird in full highland dress walking along the drive and he offers to give her a guided tour.
After the tour she admitted to being rather worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
" Now lassie ye should nae be worried aboot the wee ghosties, I've never seen one in aarl the time ah've been here."

"How long is that?" said the girl.

"Och now, not long, about three hundred years!"

Did I mention, my wife is a magician?
She can turn anything into an argument! ......


So I never told her about the Australian priest..............

An old Australian priest lay dying. He sent a message for an Australian Tax Office Supervisor and his Lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the Australian Tax Office Supervisor and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments, however they were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old priest mustered all his strength, and then whispered weakly…………."Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go."

Priceless !!

Three Things to Remember.....

The bride was suffering from intermitting attacks of nerves. She sought advice from her mother prior to walking down the aisle. Her mother assured her there was nothing to worry about, after all she only had to remember three things.

(1) To walk down the ailse on her farther's arm
(2) To stop at the altar
(3) Sing the hymn.

Reassured the bride set off and arrived at her groom's side, muttering in a stage whisper.......
AISLE.....ALTAR..... HYMN..... AILSE..... ALTAR....HYMN!

The groom fainted!

I was having a discusion about religion with a Jewish Lady,
She said "You have been taking things from us for years.
Take the Ten Commandments for instance!"

"Well yes" I said " But you can't say we kept them!"

Oh while I'm here I have a bit of news to pass on.......
My long held beliefs have been confirmed....

WHISKY is a brilliant invention, one double and you start feeling single again.

1st Snake: "What sort of snakes are we?"
2nd Snake: "What do you mean?
1st Snake: "Well... how do we kill our prey! Do we wrap our long muscular torsos around our prey and
slowly squeeze the life out of them.... or do we kill them with just one bite of our deadly venomous poison?"
2nd snake: " We are the deadly poisonous type.....Why do you ask?"
1st Snake: "I've just bitten my lip!"

Ah saw an old guy sitting on a park bench with a wire hoop and a cannister of liquid soap, blowing bubbles and watching them float off into the wind.
A similiarly aged old lady walking by looked over at him, horrified.

"Tut,tut, why don't you act your age?" she muttered at him.

He smiled, and with a wave of his wire hoop produced a vast quantity of soapy bubbles, then replied,

" I don't know how to 'act my age' I have never been this old before!"

My neighbour told me he liked his wife's mother-in-law, better than his.

He continued with, " It is better to lose a lover than to love a loser, in fact it is much better to want the
mate you do not have than have the mate you do not want."

This conversation is like fine wine, but not any good if you don't get it!

My wife informed me.....

Being a female is a matter of birth,
being a woman is a matter of age,
but being a lady....... being a lady is a matter of choice!

My wife and I are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary (Christmas eve 1955). The reason for our happy marriage is because at home I rule the roost.... and my wife rules the rooster!

It's amazing how quickly my daughter learned how to use a computer, a smart phone, and even learned
how to drive a car...................

Yet has no concept of how to use a dishwasher, washing machine or vacuum cleaner.

My neighbour asked if I would help him with his housework.......?
.....like POLISHING of a bottle of whisky!
I of course could not refuse such a heartfelt request so we set to and the conversation was a bit wild....

He asked if I knew how Moses makes his tea (Well he had started drinking before me) I said No.....
He sniggered into his glass and said, "Hebrews it!"
Switching to a more sober subject he informed me a well known cartoonist had been found dead at his home.
I agog asked, "What happened?"
"Dunno" he replied, "Details are sketchy!"
I was being taken for a fool.... so I thought it is my turn... I said, "I used to be a banker."
"What happened?" he said, "Did you lose interest?"
We stayed up all night to see where the sun went, ..... then it dawned on us!

I know these are coming thick and fast I only hope you can keep up with us, that's the SPIRIT!

He said, "I'm reading a book about anti- gravity!" I retorted, "I bet you can't put it down!"
He told me he had just been to see a theatrical performance about puns, but conclude it was just a play on words. He informed me he was growing a beard, initially he didn't like it but eventually it grew on him!
After a period of contemplation he asked, "Why were the Indians able to settle in America first?" Non-plussed at this question out of the blue I replied"I dunno!" A smile cracked his face, "They had reservations!"

The whisky was beginning to filter through, I knew I had to go if I wanted to avoid a bladder infection, because once that happens you know urine trouble. It was during this whisky fuelled haze I realised that broken pencils are pretty much pointless. I was never a very good scholar I dropped out of the Communisim class because of lousy Marx.
Having finished our POLISHING chores we concluded that Velcro was just a rip off!

Archaic Laws

So, this is why there are so few men strolling in New York........

New York:
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old
law specifically prohibits men from turning
around on any city street and looking "at a
woman in that way." A second conviction for
a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating
male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-
blinders" wherever and whenever he goes
outside for a stroll.

Pennsylvania:
A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives
from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
( I should think so too, it spoils the run of the ball when
one is practising indoor putting!)

No man may purchase alcohol without written
consent from his wife.
( Now just a cotton picking minute thar!)


Vermont:
A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for
a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the
city limits and telephone the chief of police as he
is entering the town.

(Now I can''t see that happening anytime soon!)

Having a ponder recently I concluded very few things upset my wife, so it makes me feel kinda special to think I am one of them!
She told me alcohol is my worst enemy...... the bible says "Love thy Enemy!"

I find any time I have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there is a 90% chance I'll get it wrong.

  Shush! She is coming back in!

It is difficult being a sage, you have to know your onions! .......


Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing it for years!
However one of my greatest fears is the act of stopping to think. I might forget how to start again.
It occurred to me that the most labour saving device in any household is a husband/wife with money!
One of my ambitions was to be someone of note, but methinks I should have been more specific.
I refuse to lend people money, it gives them amnesia!

I pondered thus, if a new birth is considered exciting, would it be fair to say that death is..... breathtaking?
I also make it a point not to get lost in the shuffle, or I might find myself shuffling along with the lost.
Gravity always gets me down!
Be careful when letting the cat out of the bag, because it is a whole lot easier than trying to put it back
Now that I am old I only have my memories to look forward to.

Have you ever looked at a painting/picture of Adam and Eve and wondered why they have belly buttons?

Think about it!

Adam....Eve..... belly buttons?

One should take time out to ponder, to clear out those shards of broken thoughts, take time to rationalise, even question, the abstract process that we indulge in on a daily, nay momemtary basis.

Take these thoughts for instance.......

Why isn't there a way to donate fat like one donates blood?
You'll have to excuse me sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored and go for a stroll through my mouth, which can be embarrassing.
Why is it when I push one for English I still can't understand the person on the other end?
Oh yes, and never ask Google for medical advice, I have gone from mild headache, to clinically dead in three clicks!
A warming thought is the kind of hugs where you can physically feel the sadness leaving your body....Mmmmm!
There are of course some days when I wish I had the wisdom of a ninety year old, the body of a twenty year old
and the energy of a five year old.
As it is I have to keep reminding people that I do not have Alzheimers..... I have 'Some...Timers'.... sometimes I remember and somtimes I don't.
My wife diagnosed my condition as NCD..... NO CAN DO!

I know I've reached the wonder years because I often wonder where my car is parked (do you do that?) I wonder where I left my phone, I wonder what day it is (often)
I have a brain like the Bermuda Triangle, information goes in, never to be found again.
I have so much to do, but no desire to do it!
I almost had a heart attack the other day....I went to the toilet but forgot my phone!
I tried losing weight, but it doesn't seem to be working for me, so I'm going to concentrate on getting taller!

Sssh! Her indoors has been searching for me.....time to go!

You know the nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. Speaking of which there are no NEW sins; the old ones just get more publicity. I have reached the age where 'HAPPY HOUR' is a nap. And another thing there are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 0400am, it could be for a right number. (think about it).
Another thing that deserves your consideration and attention is the fact that seat belts are not as confining as a wheelchair. I also find that the trouble with bucket seats is that not everyone has the same size bucket. They say money can't buy happiness, but somehow it is more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford. Yes money will by you a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

In conclusion ah reckon if you don't have a sense of humour you probably don't have any sense at all.

Little Willie pondered thus.....



Willie was reading about World War 2 ...paused and asked his Mom if soldiers went to Heaven.



"Of course they do" answered his Mom "What ever made you ask that?"



Little Willie answered, "There are many soldiers with beards, but I have never seen any pictures of angelsl with a beard!"



"AH!" said Mom "That is because most men ever only get into Heaven by a close shave!"

I caught myself pondering the other day, abstract thoughts, disjointed meanderings, and I came up with.....


If I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds, would people get out of the way much faster.
Have you noticed, gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers? Now they drink like their fathers.
Ever wondered about that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
My reason for the change was I didn't make it to the gym again today. That makes five years in a row.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
I convinced myself I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights."
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.


Sure, sure, of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

Whilst in a lift I overheard a gentleman inform a lady that he always starts his day by PROCAFFINATING!
(That is the tendancy not to start anything until after you have had a cup of coffee.)

I thought of my own start to the day when my wife made me a cup of coffee this morning (a first) and winked at me when she handed me the cup..........

I've never been more scared of a drink in all my life!

Two eight year old children were overheard discussing the reasons for the rise in crime......

1st Child... I wonder why there is such a surge in the crime figures these days......

2nd child... Mobile phones... yeah mobile phones. They took all the telephone boxes off the streets.

1st child... What have telephone boxes to do with crime?

2nd child... Well now Superman has no place to change!

Shamus was aware that the Antiques Road show was visiting Dublin so he took two stuffed dogs along to the show. An expert looked them over and said, "Begorra and Bejazus, dees are very fine specimens, I would say from around the year 1894 and preserved by dat famous taxidermist, Rich O'Shea"

He turned to Shamus and said, "What do you think these two would fetch if they were alive and kicking?"



Shamus said, "STICKS!"

Doc was explaining to me that the human body is made up of 90% water,
so in turn ah explained this to my wife. She said, "So, you're not fat, you're just waterlogged!"

Ah heerd tell that the local cemetery has raised the cost of burials and blamed it on the cost of living??

Rick O'Shea was sitting drinking with Eileen Dover and he said, "Come now, your glass is empty, do you want another?"
Eileen gave him one of her looks and replied, " And why would I be wanting TWO empty glasses O'Shea?"

My neighbour leaned over and whispered conspiritorally, "Have you noticed the older you get the more hazardous it is to sneeze!"

I hadn't, but on reflection, its true!

A political canvaser was chatting to my next door neighbore?? I over heard....

"What shall we do with people that rely upon government hand outs, but are too lazy to work?"

Neighbore: "Kick them out of Parliament"

------------------

Neighbore: "Our Thomas went to a dating agency and said he was looking for someone, petite who liked sea food and enjoyed watersports. They fixed him up with a penguin."

My neighbour had visitors 'tuther day and ah heard a snippet o' their conversation, it went something like this.....
"Grandpa why are you sitting on the porch with no pants on?"

Gramps replied, "Well I sat out here last week without mah shirt on and ah got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea!"

--------------------------------------

My neighbour pointed out that I now had a double chin.

I pointed out that it was not my fault I had a double chin. When God was giving out chins I thought he said Gin, so I asked for a double!

I further responded with a retort of my own. I told her to reach for the stars..... it would prevent her 'boobs' from sagging!