Gerraway!

When I win the 'Lottery'



https://www.youtube.com/embed/cKTbNid6ADk




.

IN RUSSIA YOU CAN NOT GET CAR INSURANCE UNLESS YOU HAVE A DASH CAmera

HOLD ON TO YOUR SEATS .... FOR THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE !!


This is why Russians use dashboard cameras-

https://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1FzYg?autoplay=1&modestbranding=1&rel=0&s

Hey! Come fly with me.............

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUmZfifHzBI

Mensa and the Salt and Pepper Shakers....

Can you resolve this before you hear what the waitress has to say?

Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco . Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly -- this was a job for Mensa minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker……….. "

But before they could finish,.......... (Now it your turn)




















....... the waitress interrupted. "Oh -- sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Reminds me of our politicians, solutions would be so simple, but the brilliant minds in government have to make the situation difficult.

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.


The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

Some sad news

Just heard our local Muslim optician has passed away

Asif Eyecare

Curious?

Multiply 259 x your age x 39

Imagine that you had won the following *PRIZE* in a contest:

Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400 in your
private account for your use. However, this prize has rules.

The set of rules:


1. Everything that you didn't spend during each day would
be taken away from you.

2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account.

3. You may only spend it.

4. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your
account with another $86,400 for that day.

5. The bank can end the game without warning; at any
time it can say,“Game Over!". It can close the account
and you will not receive a new one.


What would you personally do?

You would buy anything and everything you wanted right?
Not only for yourself, but for all the people you love and care for.
Even for people you don't know, because you couldn't possibly
spend it all on yourself, right?


You would try to spend every penny, and use it all, because
you knew it would be replenished in the morning, right?


ACTUALLY, This GAME is REAL ...

Shocked YES!

Each of us is already a winner of this *PRIZE*. We just can't
seem to see it.



The PRIZE is *TIME*





1. Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds,
as a gift of life.

2. And when we go to sleep at night, any remaining
time is Not credited to us.

3. What we haven't used up that day is forever lost.

4. Yesterday is forever gone.

5. Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank
can dissolve your account at any time WITHOUT WARNING...


SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?

Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount
in dollars. Think about it and remember to enjoy every second
of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.

So take care of yourself, be happy, love deeply and enjoy life!

Here's wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day.

I don't go to the cinema anymore, I lost interest when women began to talk.

I tried aerobics once, but when I jumped up and down my butt applauded!


A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes
to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner,
even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound,
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later,

The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night,
he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning
he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way
I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers you will become a monk

The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have
asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key,
and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone,
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the
key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."


The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed
to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Mah ever so friendly neighbor was passing judgement on her son in law and ah caught just part o' that conversation......

"..... if brains were petrol he wouldn't run an ant's go-cart two laps round a cookie!"

Over heard at a local surgery.....

A Post tortoise


While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle,
the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.

The old farmer said,
"When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function,
and you just wonder what kind of dumb a . . . put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.

From now on, I'll believe in The Prophet Muhammad ....

I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it
was all about.

I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
"By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you
will walk today."

I told him I was not paralyzed.

He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.
Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the prayers, I stepped outside - and sod me - my car was gone!

OH MY GRAND PA PA



A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his grandson. He told him that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto his porridge every morning.
The grandson followed this dictum religiously until his death at the venerable age of 103. He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren.......... and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

I 've often heard the question asked, "Is Google a man or a woman?"

Eavesdropping (as is my want) I overheard the reply.....

It has to be a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence withou making a suggestion!

During an engineering lecture the instructor asked, "Can anyone give me the definition of a ball-race?"

I said, "Yes Sir, it is a Tomcat one step ahead of the vet!"



My Grandson was talking to his father and I heard him say, "The most romantic love story isn't Romeo and Juliet who died together, but Granma and Grandpa who grew old together!"

Let me tell you a story.... six in fact... short stories.


Six Little Stories

{1}
Once all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered,
but only one boy came with an umbrella.

That's FAITH


{2}
When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her.

That's TRUST


{3}
Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning
but still we set the alarms to wake up.

That's HOPE


{4}
We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.

That's CONFIDENCE


{5}
We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children.

That's LOVE


{6}
On an old man's shirt was written a sentence 'I am not 60 years old....
I am sweet 16 with 44 years experience'

That's ATTITUDE


Try to live your life like the six stories!

AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice. Yes I can do that, sometimes I even roll my eyes out loud. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop annoying me. I feel my people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it." When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation. My biggest nightmare is the day the world runs out of whisky, now that is just too terrible to think about.

I know that duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

Hey, wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

When the kids want an advance on their allowance they text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

....

I would post more jokes about sex in this group but I don't know much about it.........

I'm a married man!

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked my wife - "Which book has helped you most in your life?"

My wife replie replied - "My husband's check book !!"

I asked the Sales Gil in the book store "Do you have a book called, 'Husband - the Master of the House'?
Sales Girl : "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!".

My doctor asked : "Even after 70 years, you still call
your wife - Darling, Honey, Luv. What's the secret ?
I wiped a tear from my eye and replied: I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her.

My Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I'd be in your hands all day.
Me in an aside : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!

I said to my wife - Today is a fine day. Next day I said : Today is a fine day. Again next day, I said the same thing - Today is a fine day.
Finally after a week, my wife couldn't take it any longer and asks me- "Since last week, you are saying this "Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter?
I took my courage in both hands and blurted out: Last week when we had an argument, you said, "I will leave you one fine day." I was just trying to remind you......"

Whilst shopping in the supermarket I overheard a gem of a conversation......

"Have you seen the price of beef?" said this lady to her friend

Her friend replied, "The last time beef was that high, the cow had just jumped over the moon!"

... ...

....... and boy did the little dog laugh!

Ophelia Bottom was overheard talking to her friends, Flo Swiftly and Gay Wrights

"Of course I tell all my secrets to my husband, he won't tell anyone...........
..............he never listens anyway!"

Thersea Green, a lady with the unbending qualities of an oak, was overheard to say..........

"As long as everything is exactly as I want it, I am totally flexible."

Whereas Drew Peacock informed Percy Verance that he read in the paper, viagra is now available in powder form to put in your tea! It does not enhance your performance but it does stop your biscuit from going soft!

Percy informed Drew, that he used to kiss his wife on the lips, but it's all over now!

(Make of that what you will!)

Subject: Tyrone






None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness, especially his
teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You're driving me mad, Tyrone."

One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was doing.
The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks,
and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.


The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved
out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease.
All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the
Cleveland Clinic could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying
to tell him something but quickly died.
The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a cleaner in the Clinic, who had unplugged the
life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon.

I love to ponder and recently I pondered thus......

I've learned so much from my mistakes...... I'm thinking of making a few more!

You know you are old when you pick up what looks like a really old penny and find out it has your birthyear on it

When love is blind....

Her beauty took my breath away such outstanding charm and grace, with the figure of a goddess like Monday's child so fair of face. I lavished gifts upon her such as clothes and jewels and furs, and trips away to foreign lands...whatever she wished was hers. Her beauty took my breath away, she... thought it , Oh so funny, when in return she took my cars, my house and all my money!


(Sandi V)

The foreman of an Irish road crew employed Paddy to paint the white lines
line down the middle of the road. He told Paddy that he should paint two
miles of road in a day’s work.
After the first day, the foreman was pleased to find that he'd painted four miles of road instead of the two required.On the second day, Paddy completed painting just 2 miles of road. The foreman was a bit disappointed, but didn’t complain as this was, after all, only what he’d asked for.
On day 3, the foreman was disappointed to find that Paddy had painted only one mile of road, and so asked, "On yer first day, ya did four moiles o road. On yer second ya did two moiles. But on yertird day ya only did one moil. What’s up??

Paddy replied, "Well, oil tell ya what’s up, but I tought a clever bloke loik you woulda been able ta figger it out fer yerself! Yer see, every day I gets ferder an ferder away from de paint can!?”