Loads of Laughs

Ah just cottoned on to why we formulated the word DIET!

...... Did I Eat That.....?

Also.....

Chess says everything there is to say about men and women.....
The King has to take one step at a time. while the Queen can do what ever she wants!

Fathers of today need to read this to keep one step ahead.......


These are the kids of today's world:

Daddy,
I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check book. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."

Lots of love and thanks,
Your favorite daughter,
Lilly



My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever.....,
I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Love,

Your Dad

Curiosity of a Woman

Husband's Text Message to Wife:

Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects.
Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg.
Amputation of the right foot is a distinct possibility.
Love you...

Wife's Response:

Who is Paula?

Try saying this after you have had a couple of sherbets....... why wait, try it now.....


MY JOB IS.....

I am a sheet slitter
I slit sheets
I am the sleekest sheet slitter
That ever slit sheets.

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt
Tsunamis to devastate
Hurricanes to sway and swirl
Nor the Earth to quake
No ones teaches how to choose a wife.....

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN!

As an amateur ornithologist I am troubled by the fact that the stork is held responsible for
circumstances that should be attributed to a lark!

.......... I just heard..... Joe and his wife got divorced....
.....they split the house between them...
...............Joe got the outside!

...

George and the Dragon


A poor vagabond, travelling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked
The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.

"Could ye spare some food?" he asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition.

"No!" she said rather sternly.

"Could I have a pint of ale?

"No!" she snapped again.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!"

By this time, she was fairly shouting.

The vagabond tried again: "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.



"D'ye suppose I might have a word with George?"


-----------------------------


I go to a female dentist just for the novelty of hearing a woman tell me to open my mouth for a change!

I'll wager you have heard this one........

A duck walked into a bar................ (have you heard it?) NO?


A duck walked into a bar and said.....

Duck: "Have you got any bread?"

Barman "No"

Duck: Have you got any bread?"

Barman "NO"

Duck: "Have you got any bread?"

Barman "If you ask that one more time I'll nail your bill to the bar!"

Duck: "Have you got any nails?"

Barman "No"

Duck: (You are going to love this) "Have you got any bread?"

I know....I know....I know.......reading some of this stuff can really depress one..... unless of course one is trying to raise a smile!



So before you diagnose yourself with deep depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by eejits!



Joke: Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back!



I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet

But only for twenty seconds......

And only once...



(Come on...use your imagination)



Things to do.... Buy four pigs..... Paint numbers 1, 2, 3 & 5 on their backs

Release them in Wal-Mart

Sit back and watch security search for number 4



Truth in sayings..... What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.... except for bears.... bears will kill you.



Finally the key to happiness....... The key to happiness is having a less than perfect..... memory.



(Have I sent you this before? If I have don't bother to read it)