Mah Pappy's Words o' Wisdom

Afore y'all git intuh the tales o' mah Pappy ah would kindly direct your attention to the URL This is designed to give y'all a flavour of the conditions and the times mah Pappy and mah Grand pappy lived through..... they were known as the GOOD OLE DAYS......

http://www.davidburt.co.uk/funstuff/documents/ReallyOldPictures.pps


Mah Ole Pappy is something of a raconteur and mostly after supper we retire to the porch, and set a while, sorta contemplating and at times commenting on the plight of our fellow rednecks and the state o' the Union. Mah Pappy has his 'chewing baccy' and a jug o' shine is always within reach. Pappy does most o' the talking and ah do a whole heap o' listening....and larning. Maw contributes from time to time ( always with a gem, or one o' they 'cut 'em down to size' remarks) and to complete our group, there's ole Yellah, Pappy's dawg!

Now, read on............


Ah mind one time mah Pappy wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price o' their toilet paper. The company wrote back and told him to look at page 337 of their catalogue. Pappy wrote another letter back stating, "If ah had your catalogue, ah wouldn't need your toilet paper"

Pappy allus comes out with random thoughts such as, "You know son, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy!" Now if you give that some thought y'all will realise mah Pappy wuz correct.

Ah knowed mah Pappy wuz on a roll and the only way yuh make him pause wuz tuh relate a tale of mah own.....

"Pappy, ah wuz out in the pick-up tuther night with Laura Piphal and ah drove her out into the desert then suddenly stopped the truck. "Have y'all run outa gas?" she axed very sarcastically.

"No of course not" ah retorted.

"Then why have you stopped?"

Ah pointed out that we were in a secluded place and ah thought it wuz an appropriate spot to have a conversation about the hereafter"

"What d'yah mean?" enquired Laura

"Simple" ah sed "If your not hereafter after what I am hereafter, you'll be hereafter I'm gone!"

Well mah Pappy throwed a purple fit, trying to contain his mirth, He wuz a coughing and a spluttering and a knee slapping, and ah wuz a back slapping tuh help him breathe.

Ah guess we came out evens on that one!

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pappy! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pappy replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pappy mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pappy yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pappy proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"



Now that got me thinking some!

Ah wuz passing by the barn when ah heard a voice slurring conversation with interjections from our horse! Yep! A horse! Ah snuck up and peeked in and there wuz mah Pappy, feeding carrots to our ole plough horse.

Pappy wuz a talkin an the horse wuz a nodding and blowing saliva in every which way, whilst munching on the carrots. Pappy wuz saying"Work is the curse of the drinking classes.Ah feel sorry fer those folk that don't drink. When they git up in the morning, that's as good as they are going to feel all day.

Hee..hee..hee.... one tequila...two tequila....three tequila....floor!....heee...hee...heee! Do you know horse it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is ah can't remember if its the 13th or the 14th......

Hey..hey listen up horse...do you know... do yuh? Do you know I'm over eighty... yup, an ah still don't need glasses! Y'all know why..horse? Ah drink straight frum the jug! Haaaa ha ha!

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy....hey but listen... listen... the Bible...yep the Bible says, 'Love thine enemy!"

Ah thought well mah Pappy's in good company so ah just moseyed on outa there an got on with mah chores. Ah had a doctor's appointment tuh keep. It wuz just a general check-up and ah wuz pronounced fit fer a further year. Whilst ah wuz in thar ah aksed the doctor how often ah should have sex at mah age

.

He answered, "Infrequently!"

Ah sed, "Is that one word or two?"

Ah wuz out in the yard finishing up mah chores when ah looked up and saw mah Pappy in one o' his reflective moods. He wuz watching an eagle swooping down on a passel o' catfish in the crick.

"Ah, howdy thar son" he greeted me, ( ah tolt yah he wuz in a reflective mood, he remembered ah wuz his son, ....ah love mah Pappy) "Howdy Pappy" ah replied "Whatcha doing?"

"Oh just renewing ole memories. Yuh see that thar eagle, well it minds me of mah congressman, Walking Eagle"

"Walking Eagle? Why do you call him Walking Eagle? " ah enquired.

Pappy looked at me and gave me a broad smile showing his new store bought teeth.

"Well he's so full o' crap; he can't fly no more!"

He wuz off into a fit o' coughing, spluttering, eye wiping frenzy o' laughter.

He waved me over and invited me to set a spell, he sed he had an old anecdote he wanted me to hear.

"Y'all mind yer Grandpappy?" he asked.

Ah settled mahself in on an adjacent chair and nodded in silent agreement.

"Well, yer Grandpappy and Grandma were overnighting here one time. Having had a late supper we invited them tuh stay the night. Yer Grandpappy found a bottle o' them thar Viagra pills in mah medicine cabinet and he asked about using one o' the pills..

Ah sed " Ah don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked mah Dad

"$10. a pill" ah informed him.

"Ah don't care" sed yer Grandpappy "Ah'd still like tuh try one, and before we leave in the morning, ah'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning ah found $110. under the pillow.

Ah called yer Grandpappy and sed, "Ah tolt yah each pill wuz $10 not $110.

"Ah know, ah know," sed yer Grandpappy, "The $100 is from Grandma!!"

Ah set mahself tuh finishing mah chores, it were a varmints nest under the north west corner of the front porch that needed clearing out. Whilst ah wuz under thar ah heard mah Pappy a talking tuh mah Maw about Jedidiah's latest girl friend. Pappy wuz a saying that Jedidiah called her 'Baseball'

"Why on earth would he want to do that?" Maw enquired

Pappy looked up and with that store bought smile sed, "Cause she won't play without a diamond!"

Maw parried that with a smile of her own as she retorted, "You know Pappy soon we will have bin married 50 years...... o' wedded blitz!"

"Y'all trying tuh make a fool outa me?" Pappy blustered.

Maw came straight back, "Of course not, why should ah try tuh change nature?"

"Y'all bin supping mah 'shine' Pappy enquired.

"Ifin yuh mean OUR 'shine' then the answer is 'no' sed Maw.

"Right ho then" snapped mah Pappy "Y'all tell me this, how many critters kin y'all git into a pair o' pantyhose?"

"What sorta question is that? said Maw with a cautious but puzzled expression on her face "What in tarnation are you talking about now?"

"Y'all think about it " Pappy demanded "An answer the question!"

Maw thought and thought knowing there wuz a catch but just couldn't figure out what.

(Any o' you folks know?)

Knowing that he had won that round Pappy (in between his coughing and spluttering brought on by his victory) reeled off the following:-

" 10 Little Piggies, 2 calves, 1 mule...er no, no, 1 Donkey..no , no twernt a donkey ... wht's that stubborn one called?....... and an unknown number of hares!"

Maw had left afore he finished......

Pappy wuz sitting thar with a victory grin splitting his face, hugging his favourite 'brown jug' taking a sip from time tuh time. Ah sashayed on over an put a question to him, "Pappy why do you drink that home brewed 'shine'?"

"Son" (Ah just love it when he remembers who I am.) "Son, when ah drink, ah git drunk. When ah git drunk, ah fall asleep. When ah fall asleep ah cannot commit any sin. When ah commit no sin, ah kin go tuh Heaven. So why don't y'all join me, get drunk and go tuh Heaven?"

Ah just shuck mah head and made off to carry on with mah chores.

As ah left Maw joined Pappy who was still imbibing of his illict 'shine' Ah heard mah Pappy say, "Ah love you so much, ah don't know how ah could ever live without you."

Ah hung around a spell for ah had never heerd Pappy talking so lovey-dovey!

Maw asked, "Is that you or the 'shine' talking?"

Pappy replied, " It's me......... talking to the 'shine!"

Ah crossed the yard just in time tuh see a bunch o' local politicians hot footing it tuh their cars and taking off at speed.When ah reached the porch mah ole Pappy wuz a sittin thar with face like a mule chewing a wasp. "What in tarnation y'all bin up to now Pappy?" ah enquired.

"Dang! Ah can't abide folk who are still wet behind the ears trying tuh tell me how tuh vote! Y'all take those there politishins, they run their careers and our government on the caferteria system...... self service only! Ah mind one time one o' they politishins came a knocking on mah door, when ah went tuh open it ole Blue ( mah Pappy's dawg) came too".

The politishin stepped back, "Whoa..ah!" he sed "Ah don't like dawgs!"

"Well now" ah countered, "Maybe mah dawg doesn't like you, but he's much too polite tuh say so!"

Ah minded of that time....Pappy wuz so all fired up he sharpened up our pencil and wrote tuh the government suggesting that they change the national symbol to CONDOM, because it more accurately reflected the governments political stance. He sed a CONDOM allows fer inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch o' pricks and gives yuh a sense o' security while yuh are actually being screwed. Ah agreed, dang and double dang it just don't git more accurate than that.

"....and another thing" Pappy sed, "Why is it that our youngins can't read a bible in school, but they can in prison?"

Now there's food fer thought.

As ah wuz a chewing over this latest outburst ah heard mah Pappy a starting up agin......

"....... ah got a simple philosophy" he wuz saying,"Fill what is empty, empty what is full and scratch where it itches when it itches...... "

Ah thought tuh git him out o' this beligerent mood so ah opened up with, "Y'all a well travelled man Pappy, tell me some o' the places y'all bin too!"

"Well son yer darr-goned right, ah have bin tuh a whole heap o' places, but ah've never bin tuh CAHOOTS. Apparently yuh can't go alone, yuh have tuh be in CAHOOTS with someone!

"Hee, hee, hee!" he wheezed. Gitting into his stride he continued....

"Ah ain't ever bin in COGNITO either, ah here that no one ever recognises yuh there! Ah have however bin in SANE.

They don't have an airport or a train station, yuh have tuh be driven there. Yer Maw has sent me on several trips."

Well he was a coughing an a spluttering fit tuh bust with the humour in those remarks, so ah waited until he drew proper breath agin.

Ah wuz about tuh congratulate him when ah spotted Maw earwiggin behind the screen door....

"Yer know Pappy" ah interjected, "Ever since the invention of the calendar man' days have bin numbered!" Ah gave him a conspiratorial wink and nodded towards Maw!

Tuther day ah saw mah Pappy walking round a block o' wood. Now this is a first 'cos he don't do walking fer no good reason.

"What is it that y'all got there Pappy?" ah enquired.

"Ah, howdy son, this here is mah excerise block." he sed

"Ah don't follow yuh Pappy. yer 'exercise block, how come?

"Well son, try it out......

1. Place the block on the floor (no need tuh do that ah already done it)

2. Walk briskly around it four times.

3.Sit down an relax....."

Ah followed the instructions.



"Congratulations son, you have just walked around the block, four times."

Pappy wuz sitting on the porch with a face like ole Yellah chewing a wasp, face all twisted and crumpled. So as ah approached ah sent out as a 'feeler' a question aimed at testing out his demeanor.

"What sort o' burr y'all got under yer blanket this morning Pappy?" If there's one thing ah larned it wuz how to be diplomatic in mah enquiries.

He looked up straightened his face somewhat and sed, "Being an amateur ornithologist ah am troubled by the fact that the stork is held responsible for circumstances that should be attributed to the lark!"



Well that wuz a conversation stopper, right there! Ah thought ah'd try another tack......



"Ah say Pappy, ah just bin talking tuh Gladis Over, she tolt me she has entered the 'Rear of the Year' competition. Why ah have seen better butts in an ashtray."



Pappy gave me one of his rare chuckles. Thinking ah wuz on a winning streak ah sed, "Pappy y'all gittin a mite thin on top these days!"



He gave me one o' they 'Watch it' looks and sed, "When ah wuz a boy mah hair was light, then.... about your age it turned dark, ah worried about yer lack o' eddykation and it turned grey, now that ah see it wuz fruitless a worrying, ah just turned it loose."



" Nice one Pappy! Ah saw y'all were doing some lettering afore Pappy, what are yuh up tuh now?"



"Ah thought ah'd try mah hand at that thar poetry writing" sed mah Pappy



"Why Pappy ah never knowed y'all were into that stuff. What have yuh writ?" ah asked curious like.



"Oh just a few lines" he answered....



'By beauty ah is no shinning star,

There are others more handsome by far

Mah face, ah don't mind it

Because ah'm behind it

It's the folks out in front that ah jar.



.....as he finshed he reach fer his jug and took himself a generous slug!

............

Ah ambled over tuh where mah Pappy had discarded some o' his previous scribbles, bits o' paper all screwed up and thrown with little accuracy in the direction of the wastebasket. Ah say waste basket, that is a bit of a misnomer, its a cardboard box lined with an old horse blanket that ole Yellah used tuh sleep in. He don't no more, too much rubbish has just crowed him out!

Ah gathered up the discarded pieces, smoothed them out and began tuh read them. Well ah wuz totally amazed, an a little ashamed that ah found mahsell a snooping on mah Pappy.

This is what he had bin writing..............

Questions that ah must find the answers fer......

Do those who jump off a bridge in Paris find themselves in Seine?

Is Dijon vu ...the same mustard as before?

To practice safe eating should one always used condiments?

Do yuh reckon a man's home is his castle..... in a manor of speaking?

Does every man need a mistress just to break the monogamy?

Ah know that a hangover is the wroth of grapes..... from experience!

Dancing cheek to cheek is a form of floor play

Reading while sunbathing can make you well red!

Do you know when two egotists meet its an I for an I

Do you know the definition of a will? Its a dead give away!

Ah knew a gal who was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off!

Is a chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion?

Ah knew a man who fell into an upholstery machine, but he is now fully recovered

A lot o' momey is tainted,..... taint yours and it taint mine!

Once yuh have seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

Do bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis?

Are Santas little helpers....subordinate clauses?

Is acupuncture is a jab...well done?

Mah Pappy's profundity just astounds me!

Wait...wait just a cotton pickin minute thar....ah found another scrap o' paper.....

CAUTION FELLOW IMBIBERS

When you drink vodka over ice .....it can give you liver failure

When you drink rum over ice.....it can give you kidney failure

When you drink whisky over ice.... it can give you heart problems

When you drink gin over ice..... it can give you brain problems

Apparently ice is really bad for you...... be warned!

LOL, I think I will start writing like your Pappi. LOL He has a lot of wisdom.

Yeah IG Pappy sure is a genious, ah often wish ah had inherited his creative genes, (in the literary sense ah mean)He has that common touch that most folks cotton onto straight away. He has no idea what PC is and just states what he thinks, any offence taken is solely in the mind o' the reader.